The Rule Is This

bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder Photo by Jacob Mejicanos on Unsplash

I am not a rule or a thumb
I am after the math changes
like when he cums and then leaves

on the black pavement, they don’t move –
they are yellow and dead
and glued by storm

without lightning, I cannot burn
without worship, I am empty
words do not matter

but I want them all
the words
the matter
the exalt

If I bleed out – don’t scream at me
for doing it wrong

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Blackwater

in here

oxygen has stopped moving
a body is melting over a dream
that is alive and well
an intention

blackwater

we intertwine like parasites
we love like decay

i could be convinced to move out of here
but every moon begs for this same
consistency

and I am no moon

between a bullet and a knife

poetry, suicide, depression, mental health, bipolar disorder

it’s just like a gunshot

these hot words in my head that force
blood to move

for once I am not tar

and the girl on the back of this page
she is certain
I will find a way

she sings it “goes on and on”
and it will

If I don’t stop it myself

Passion Flower

poetry, depression, enlightenment, abuse, being used

because when your gaping petals expand
just to taste the blood of Christ
every velvet ant will find his way
to your core

because when you are born on the mouth of July
you are a sedative blue tongue
and they will come to extract
you from your veins

because your short life is meant to feed
caterpillars, it is impossible
to assume that you would be
collected in the fall
for more

He Came

poetry, abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, depression

he sleeps twisted inside of me
hands tight on my bruised lungs
if I had a voice
with him
it would slice my own tongue
and when he moves to awake
his easy turn on my hand
burns through everything I know

one slow thrust into my dignity
and I split in two
and I don’t know
which one is me

and of course it’s beautiful

meditation-277889_1920

In here, out there nobody sees. Pomegranate seeds shred through my teeth and we accept it. He smiles and of course it’s beautiful.
A blood moon grows 10,000 times what it was, in here. Out there, nobody knows.
I count, up to seven minutes in Heaven and wonder, in here.
Out there, nobody waits.
Everybody talks.
Everybody spits venom in the eyes of people they love.

I love him for the birds, he just doesn’t belong in here. 
This desert is mine.
I sleep on cactus beds and wait….with time.
The sun is mine. I’ll keep it in a locket for those days that get dark, in here. Out there, nobody notices.

I smile. He smiles, and of course it’s beautiful.