Where Did You Go, Now That I Need You?

It’s in here somewhere, I know!
I’m rummaging through the garbage, finding
pieces of old boyfriends, childhood
blankets and
old books I meant to read.

I search through the corners
and deep down into
plastic tubs that I use to store
the junk that I think I need to hold on to.

It must be in here! I know I held onto it
for a day like today, for a time when the quiet
becomes overwhelming and when I begin to question
myself.

There was a moment when you looked at me
and smiled like you used to, I smiled back and thought
to myself that I must come back and find it!

I taped it up with the lies you told and the
way you looked right past me, with the tight lipped
silent answers and the sound of your footsteps walking away, with the
image of the door slamming in my face
and the portraits falling down around me.
I boxed it up with the things you promised
and the “would never happens”.

I once let it flow like a tidal wave preparing to destroy you,
but the water never could reach
the high places that you set yourself. So, in the midst of trying to
destroy you, I only drowned myself.

I counted down like they told me
and put the pain away. I did not dare disturb the anger
for the damage it had done to me.

And now that I need to find it and utilize it’s strength, it
seems to have disappeared, decayed among the heap
of garbage still piled around.

I fear that it has left me, abandoned me at my time of need.
I cannot rely on anger now, I must rely on strength.

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